I heard the quote above today and it seems so fitting. I was talking to a woman at work who never had kids. Turns out when she was told she would have to do IVF and even then might not be able to carry to term, she decided right then she was done. No shots, no let's go for it, just nope, not putting myself or my husband through that. She avoided all the crap I have gone through. Sometimes she feels the pull but shrugs it away. She knew it was going to be an ugly road and decided not to do it. Sometimes I wish I never started down the dark road.
Still don't know my next move but I have to consider that it might be time to vacuum.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Monday, December 26, 2011
The holidays are canceled at our house
I made it! I sort of successfully made it through the holidays at least the family oriented holidays. I very successfully avoided the part of my family that I knew I couldn't see or even talk to, my dad, his wife and their family. It could have been very disastrous because of my "Issues".
But for you to understand why, I have to back up about 20 years. When I was 17 my parents got divorced. My dad started dating another woman and not only fell for her, but her very perfect daughter that just so happens to be about my age. She is everything that I am not. She was an excellent athlete, even invited to the Olympics. She got a full ride scholarship to a very prestigious college. She has always made the right decisions and life has blessed her. My dad made very few of my high school competitions, but made every single one of hers. That is where my issues come from. She was everything my dad wanted in a child and once again, I am have failed him. I cant give him the grandchild he has been wanting for so long, but just recently, she did.
So they all got to enjoy their first holiday with the new baby, that's just great for them. I wanted no part of it. It brought that ancient history flooding back. I thought I had dealt with it and moved on, but scars reopen easily.
I thought I was in a baby hating phase, but tonight at the grocery store, the cutest toddler couldn't take his eyes off me. Adorable chubby cheeks and big brown eyes just staring at me with a big smile. For the first time in at least a year, a child made me smile.
As far as my issues with my dad, that is an ongoing saga. I tried to talk to him about it a long time ago, and it ended in me being the bad guy so talking to him is not an option. If I had a child, I wouldn't miss a single match, meet, tournament or game. I would be on the side lines every single day cheering louder than anyone because support and encouragement is so important to give children. Everyone says I would make a great mom, so why do the higher powers keep saying No. I don't get it.
But for you to understand why, I have to back up about 20 years. When I was 17 my parents got divorced. My dad started dating another woman and not only fell for her, but her very perfect daughter that just so happens to be about my age. She is everything that I am not. She was an excellent athlete, even invited to the Olympics. She got a full ride scholarship to a very prestigious college. She has always made the right decisions and life has blessed her. My dad made very few of my high school competitions, but made every single one of hers. That is where my issues come from. She was everything my dad wanted in a child and once again, I am have failed him. I cant give him the grandchild he has been wanting for so long, but just recently, she did.
So they all got to enjoy their first holiday with the new baby, that's just great for them. I wanted no part of it. It brought that ancient history flooding back. I thought I had dealt with it and moved on, but scars reopen easily.
I thought I was in a baby hating phase, but tonight at the grocery store, the cutest toddler couldn't take his eyes off me. Adorable chubby cheeks and big brown eyes just staring at me with a big smile. For the first time in at least a year, a child made me smile.
As far as my issues with my dad, that is an ongoing saga. I tried to talk to him about it a long time ago, and it ended in me being the bad guy so talking to him is not an option. If I had a child, I wouldn't miss a single match, meet, tournament or game. I would be on the side lines every single day cheering louder than anyone because support and encouragement is so important to give children. Everyone says I would make a great mom, so why do the higher powers keep saying No. I don't get it.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Does Mexico have my cure?
I started writing this about a month ago but have not had a chance to finish it and publish. Finally got around to it. If nothing else, it is a crazy story.
This is crazy, Today I went to Mexico. I've talked to a friend of mine for a whole two years about her homeopathic doctor. I finally decided that it was time to go see this guy. At first I was freaked out, my analytical mind was telling me I was crazy for crossing the border to see a doctor, but my heart reminded me that Western medicine promised miracles and raped my bank account so what can it hurt at this point. It was going to cost $40 for a consult but he ended up giving it to me for free.
So at 8am, armed with my medical records and passport, I crossed the border. Funny how easy it is to cross into Mexico but hard to cross back. My friend was awesome, guiding me the whole way. She knew I was freaked out. We get in a cab and as I remember from my last trip to Mexico in college, they drive like crazy people so I clung to my seat. We get to the office and everyone greets us with such a warm welcome, of course I understand nothing! My friend translates it all for me. When I walked into his room I was blown away, little vials lined every wall. He talks to me about my infertility and I bust out crying, all out sobs!! I don't know these people and I break down, I was fine, why did I all of a sudden break down? 8 years of false hopes, 8 years of failures, 8 years of oh yeah, we can help you, after your check clears, that's why I broke down. I feel so let down by my country and our health care system. If I knew then what I know now about complimentary medicine, taking the best of western and eastern medicine and creating a treatment plan for the patient, not just putting them in a protocol. But I digress...
So he does a few tests which is where the little viles come in. Okay I will probably do a terrible job of explaining this but will give it a try. Each vile has a tiny bit of the problem in it, like a bacteria or a virus or whatever. He puts a magnet between you and the vile. If the magnet moves, you have that ailment. As I type this I think I am crazy. But on some level it makes sense because everything has a magnetic force including us so I have enough education to get it but not enough to explain it. Okay so I will just forget trying to explain it. So after the vile tests he takes a deep breath and says blah, blah, blah, (something in Spanish) my friend translates exactly what he says. I know why you cant get pregnant, you have a cancer at your cervix. You have had it for 8 to 10 years. It probably wont show up in a pap yet but it will in 1 to 2 years. About 8 years ago, I had what I called almost-cancer. I had a number of abnormal cells on my cervix that were the stage just before cancer. They were immediately removed. Apparently, they were not completely removed and this is why my perfect embryo's will not stick. He didn't know the history so I tend to want to believe him.
Dazed and confused by this news, I stumble out of his office with bright red eyes from constant crying and we make our way to the long line to get back into the states. In line I see a man selling Rosaries. I had to have one, I handed him a dollar and put it around my neck and felt a little calmer. Its funny cause I texted my Mr Wonderful about it and he said, "Do you even know how to use one?" Nope and I didn't care, it was a symbol of faith in a higher power and at that time I needed to cling to something good. So now I decide what to do with this news. But what a crazy trip, right?!
This is crazy, Today I went to Mexico. I've talked to a friend of mine for a whole two years about her homeopathic doctor. I finally decided that it was time to go see this guy. At first I was freaked out, my analytical mind was telling me I was crazy for crossing the border to see a doctor, but my heart reminded me that Western medicine promised miracles and raped my bank account so what can it hurt at this point. It was going to cost $40 for a consult but he ended up giving it to me for free.
So at 8am, armed with my medical records and passport, I crossed the border. Funny how easy it is to cross into Mexico but hard to cross back. My friend was awesome, guiding me the whole way. She knew I was freaked out. We get in a cab and as I remember from my last trip to Mexico in college, they drive like crazy people so I clung to my seat. We get to the office and everyone greets us with such a warm welcome, of course I understand nothing! My friend translates it all for me. When I walked into his room I was blown away, little vials lined every wall. He talks to me about my infertility and I bust out crying, all out sobs!! I don't know these people and I break down, I was fine, why did I all of a sudden break down? 8 years of false hopes, 8 years of failures, 8 years of oh yeah, we can help you, after your check clears, that's why I broke down. I feel so let down by my country and our health care system. If I knew then what I know now about complimentary medicine, taking the best of western and eastern medicine and creating a treatment plan for the patient, not just putting them in a protocol. But I digress...
So he does a few tests which is where the little viles come in. Okay I will probably do a terrible job of explaining this but will give it a try. Each vile has a tiny bit of the problem in it, like a bacteria or a virus or whatever. He puts a magnet between you and the vile. If the magnet moves, you have that ailment. As I type this I think I am crazy. But on some level it makes sense because everything has a magnetic force including us so I have enough education to get it but not enough to explain it. Okay so I will just forget trying to explain it. So after the vile tests he takes a deep breath and says blah, blah, blah, (something in Spanish) my friend translates exactly what he says. I know why you cant get pregnant, you have a cancer at your cervix. You have had it for 8 to 10 years. It probably wont show up in a pap yet but it will in 1 to 2 years. About 8 years ago, I had what I called almost-cancer. I had a number of abnormal cells on my cervix that were the stage just before cancer. They were immediately removed. Apparently, they were not completely removed and this is why my perfect embryo's will not stick. He didn't know the history so I tend to want to believe him.
Dazed and confused by this news, I stumble out of his office with bright red eyes from constant crying and we make our way to the long line to get back into the states. In line I see a man selling Rosaries. I had to have one, I handed him a dollar and put it around my neck and felt a little calmer. Its funny cause I texted my Mr Wonderful about it and he said, "Do you even know how to use one?" Nope and I didn't care, it was a symbol of faith in a higher power and at that time I needed to cling to something good. So now I decide what to do with this news. But what a crazy trip, right?!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Getting through the Holidays
How do we, Infertile's, get through the holidays? I figured this is one I should write about since it has been on my mind since Oct 31. I am talking about all infertile's, even the pregnant and have children infertiles. I know its gotta be hard for them too.
Well for me, this year is especially hard. I am out of money for treatment and my family is celebrating their first holiday with a new baby... double wammie! I want nothing to do with the new baby. That is a horrible thing to say but, it is how I feel and saying it is the first step to getting past it right? I want to be happy for them but its hard when I have struggled so much. I am such a Grinch this year. I go through the stores with their holiday music, thinking, "Ba humbug!" But occasionally the songs get stuck in my head and it lightens my mood just a little.
So back to my original question, how do I get through the holidays. Well, I am clinging to everything I love and hiding! I didn't do so well on Thanksgiving, I didn't even answer the phone when that side of the family called. I usually really get into Thanksgiving. I make more food than can possibly be eaten in a month let alone one day, the house is freshly cleaned, the music is on and I put on some nice clothes even if we don't go anywhere. Yeah, I did bare minimum on the cooking, wore my grungy around the house clothes and did light cleaning. But now that I am in the home stretch, I am feeling better. We probably wont don't much of anything for Christmas. Everyone knows we don't spend much at Christmas because we have to save for the next round so I make truffles for presents. This year it is cake pops.
I still don't feel like I am answering the question... I don't know how to get through the holidays. I have moments of happiness and gratitude for what I do have and I have moments of "It's my pitty party and I will cry if I want to". I guess it is the same as getting through the grief of wasting so much time and money on this process, one day at a time and sometimes, one minute at a time. It helps to get in the bath and put my head under the water just enough so my ears are covered but my nose is out and I can still breath. All I hear is my breath and my heartbeat. Its calming. I hope to one day, hear 2 heartbeats.
Well for me, this year is especially hard. I am out of money for treatment and my family is celebrating their first holiday with a new baby... double wammie! I want nothing to do with the new baby. That is a horrible thing to say but, it is how I feel and saying it is the first step to getting past it right? I want to be happy for them but its hard when I have struggled so much. I am such a Grinch this year. I go through the stores with their holiday music, thinking, "Ba humbug!" But occasionally the songs get stuck in my head and it lightens my mood just a little.
So back to my original question, how do I get through the holidays. Well, I am clinging to everything I love and hiding! I didn't do so well on Thanksgiving, I didn't even answer the phone when that side of the family called. I usually really get into Thanksgiving. I make more food than can possibly be eaten in a month let alone one day, the house is freshly cleaned, the music is on and I put on some nice clothes even if we don't go anywhere. Yeah, I did bare minimum on the cooking, wore my grungy around the house clothes and did light cleaning. But now that I am in the home stretch, I am feeling better. We probably wont don't much of anything for Christmas. Everyone knows we don't spend much at Christmas because we have to save for the next round so I make truffles for presents. This year it is cake pops.
I still don't feel like I am answering the question... I don't know how to get through the holidays. I have moments of happiness and gratitude for what I do have and I have moments of "It's my pitty party and I will cry if I want to". I guess it is the same as getting through the grief of wasting so much time and money on this process, one day at a time and sometimes, one minute at a time. It helps to get in the bath and put my head under the water just enough so my ears are covered but my nose is out and I can still breath. All I hear is my breath and my heartbeat. Its calming. I hope to one day, hear 2 heartbeats.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
The Truth About Trying Campaign
It is great to see Celebs talk about the struggles we regular infertiles deal with. There is even an infertility doctor who dealt with infertility. There are a lot of good stories to watch. I hope they help you. We are not alone and we dont need to be ashamed.
The Truth About Trying
The Truth About Trying
Peace
I have been able to overcome my fear of the unknown and started researching anything and everything related to infertility. When I started this journey, I tried to dive right into research like I do everything else but when I did, it threw me into serious depression. So I stopped and trusted the doctors. 8 years and $40K later, I am taking control of my reproductive health and doing the research.
So what am I searching for? Hello, a miracle. Actually, just peace. I feel it deep in my heart that I am supposed to be a mom. I have too much to give to keep it to myself. Every time I try to convince myself that I should stop wasting time and money and just live child free I lose. I really cant see it. But at this point, all I really want is peace. If I have a baby or not, I just want peace.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Another ugly disease, Breast Cancer
One of the things I have put on hold because of stupid Infertility is doing a weekend cancer walk with my BBF. She just asked me to walk with her in July in San Fran in the Avon Breast Cancer Walk. I am so excited. San Fran is gorgous and not too hot. I started exploring the website and even found a training plan, I can't believe I am going to walk 40 miles... Anyway, I was looking at the pictures and started getting sad because Infertility doesen't get even drop of the attention Breast Cancer gets. But then I remembered an article. It said that breast cancer used to be a disease to be ashamed of, sound familiar! Its because of dedicated women working for decades to get people to take action and recognize that breast cancer is a serious disease killing men and women and the cause needs support in order to overcome it.
This is gonna sound really silly but here it is... I know there will be at least once during this event I will feel very alone and almost like I am in hiding because while I am supporting a very important cause I will again, be alone. I will be jealous, knowing that Breast Cancer gets billions of dollars a year when "my disease" (and others) gets little attention and even less money for research and treatment. Jealousy is an ugly thing so I gotta focus on the good things, the money I am raising, the time I will be spending with a dear friend and doing a good thing for humanity and my health. Besides, being jealous of Breast Cancer! What is wrong with me!
Oh yeah, and yes I said Infertility is a disease, apparently it is.
I found out that for many women who need to go through kemo or radiation treatment they do not have insurance coverage to preserve their fertility prior to these treatments, REALLY! The insurance laws really need to change. Its not bad enough to have been diagnosed with Cancer, have to go through painful treatments, you also have to shell out $20K or more if you ever want a chance at being a mom! And that is after you have kicked Cancers ass. Its sad. Things need to change, hence the soap box I am about to get on :)
If you happen to stumble on this post please consider signing a petition for the Family Act of 2011, S965. It will not just people like me with blocked tubes but also people who have to fight for their life before they can fight for their ability to be a mom. You can find the info here:
http://resolve.org/resources/the-center-for-infertility-justice.html And if you do sign the petition, Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Okay gotta end this on a funny note, my Great Aunt had Breast Cancer. How did I learn this? Over coffee one morning, she pulled her fake boob out of her bra and flopped it on the kitchen table and said, "I had breast cancer, make sure you get your boobs checked". She always had a sense of humor, love you Aunt Mary!
This is gonna sound really silly but here it is... I know there will be at least once during this event I will feel very alone and almost like I am in hiding because while I am supporting a very important cause I will again, be alone. I will be jealous, knowing that Breast Cancer gets billions of dollars a year when "my disease" (and others) gets little attention and even less money for research and treatment. Jealousy is an ugly thing so I gotta focus on the good things, the money I am raising, the time I will be spending with a dear friend and doing a good thing for humanity and my health. Besides, being jealous of Breast Cancer! What is wrong with me!
Oh yeah, and yes I said Infertility is a disease, apparently it is.
I found out that for many women who need to go through kemo or radiation treatment they do not have insurance coverage to preserve their fertility prior to these treatments, REALLY! The insurance laws really need to change. Its not bad enough to have been diagnosed with Cancer, have to go through painful treatments, you also have to shell out $20K or more if you ever want a chance at being a mom! And that is after you have kicked Cancers ass. Its sad. Things need to change, hence the soap box I am about to get on :)
If you happen to stumble on this post please consider signing a petition for the Family Act of 2011, S965. It will not just people like me with blocked tubes but also people who have to fight for their life before they can fight for their ability to be a mom. You can find the info here:
http://resolve.org/resources/the-center-for-infertility-justice.html And if you do sign the petition, Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Okay gotta end this on a funny note, my Great Aunt had Breast Cancer. How did I learn this? Over coffee one morning, she pulled her fake boob out of her bra and flopped it on the kitchen table and said, "I had breast cancer, make sure you get your boobs checked". She always had a sense of humor, love you Aunt Mary!
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