Ragnar

Since running is so much a part of my life right now I have to write about something I am soooooo excited about, Ragnar.

I am running a Ragnar relay race.  12 people run about 200 miles.  It takes all weekend.  I will be running a total of 19 miles.  I run three different times and rest inbetween legs.  All the teams get dressed up like goof balls and its an excuse to act like a retard and conquer an amazing challenge.  I am pretty excited about it.  Every morning I go out for my run knowing that I am working toward something that I can actually attain.  It feels good to know I have control over my ability to accomplish this goal.

That is the terrible thing that infertility steals from you, Control.  Infertility takes the feeling that you have control over your life.  Well, I am taking it back.

I have been struggling with what to talk about these days because I have refocused my life away from infertility.  The road and my running shoes are helping me sort out the feelings.  The last few weeks I feel like I have been turning a corner.  I have been starting to feel good about the reasons for not having children.  Usually when I think about those reasons I cry because then I think about the great reasons for having kids.  But I think a wonderful woman at work has been instrumental in my turning it around.  She has 4 kids, all grown and she is always telling me about the drama she has to deal with.  She loves her kids, they are good kids but she just doesn't want to worry about them anymore.  She doesn't want to hurt when they hurt anymore, but she doesn't have a choice.

1. If I want to lay around all day and have a me day, I can.  I don't have to worry about feeding a child, cleaning it, cleaning up its messes.  When you have a kid, there is no days off unless you have someone to watch them for you.
2. I don't have to worry about the state of the world.  When I'm gone, I'm gone.  I don't have to worry about leaving my kids in a crappy world.
3. I don't have to save for college, cars, etc, etc.  Like I had the money for that stuff anyway, I already spent a college education on IVF procedures, and still paying for it!
4. One less group to feel peer pressure from, "The Perfect Moms".
5. One less schedule to organize.
6. I don't have to worry about choking.  Since my brush with choking on food I am a bit paranoid about this one.  Why would our breathing hole and food hole be right next to each other, its asinine!  Its amazing more people don't die from choking. 

My life is mine and I can do with it, what I want.  I am starting to feel freed from the clutches of "Infertility".  I am by no means "OK" with this but at least I finally see a pinhole light at the end of the tunnel.