Getting through the Holidays

How do we, Infertile's, get through the holidays?  I figured this is one I should write about since it has been on my mind since Oct 31.  I am talking about all infertile's, even the pregnant and have children infertiles.  I know its gotta be hard for them too.

Well for me, this year is especially hard.  I am out of money for treatment and my family is celebrating their first holiday with a new baby... double wammie!  I want nothing to do with the new baby.  That is a horrible thing to say but, it is how I feel and saying it is the first step to getting past it right?  I want to be happy for them but its hard when I have struggled so much.  I am such a Grinch this year.  I go through the stores with their holiday music, thinking, "Ba humbug!"  But occasionally the songs get stuck in my head and it lightens my mood just a little.   

So back to my original question, how do I get through the holidays.  Well, I am clinging to everything I love and hiding!  I didn't do so well on Thanksgiving, I didn't even answer the phone when that side of the family called.  I usually really get into Thanksgiving.  I make more food than can possibly be eaten in a month let alone one day, the house is freshly cleaned, the music is on and I put on some nice clothes even if we don't go anywhere.  Yeah, I did bare minimum on the cooking, wore my grungy around the house clothes and did light cleaning.  But now that I am in the home stretch, I am feeling better.  We probably wont don't much of anything for Christmas.  Everyone knows we don't spend much at Christmas because we have to save for the next round so I make truffles for presents.  This year it is cake pops. 

I still don't feel like I am answering the question... I don't know how to get through the holidays.  I have moments of happiness and gratitude for what I do have and I have moments of "It's my pitty party and I will cry if I want to".  I guess it is the same as getting through the grief of wasting so much time and money on this process, one day at a time and sometimes, one minute at a time.  It helps to get in the bath and put my head under the water just enough so my ears are covered but my nose is out and I can still breath. All I hear is my breath and my heartbeat.  Its calming.  I hope to one day, hear 2 heartbeats.