Pages

Monday, December 26, 2011

The holidays are canceled at our house

I made it!  I sort of successfully made it through the holidays at least the family oriented holidays.  I very successfully avoided the part of my family that I knew I couldn't see or even talk to, my dad, his wife and their family.  It could have been very disastrous because of my "Issues". 

But for you to understand why, I have to back up about 20 years.  When I was 17 my parents got divorced.  My dad started dating another woman and not only fell for her, but her very perfect daughter that just so happens to be about my age.  She is everything that I am not.  She was an excellent athlete, even invited to the Olympics.  She got a full ride scholarship to a very prestigious college.  She has always made the right decisions and life has blessed her.  My dad made very few of my high school competitions, but made every single one of hers.  That is where my issues come from.  She was everything my dad wanted in a child and once again, I am have failed him.  I cant give him the grandchild he has been wanting for so long, but just recently, she did. 

So they all got to enjoy their first holiday with the new baby, that's just great for them.  I wanted no part of it.  It brought that ancient history flooding back.  I thought I had dealt with it and moved on, but scars reopen easily.

I thought I was in a baby hating phase, but tonight at the grocery store, the cutest toddler couldn't take his eyes off me.  Adorable chubby cheeks and big brown eyes just staring at me with a big smile.  For the first time in at least a year, a child made me smile. 

As far as my issues with my dad, that is an ongoing saga.  I tried to talk to him about it a long time ago, and it ended in me being the bad guy so talking to him is not an option.  If I had a child, I wouldn't miss a single match, meet, tournament or game.  I would be on the side lines every single day cheering louder than anyone because support and encouragement is so important to give children.  Everyone says I would make a great mom, so why do the higher powers keep saying No.  I don't get it.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Does Mexico have my cure?

I started writing this about a month ago but have not had a chance to finish it and publish.  Finally got around to it.  If nothing else, it is a crazy story.

This is crazy, Today I went to Mexico. I've talked to a friend of mine for a whole two years about her homeopathic doctor. I finally decided that it was time to go see this guy. At first I was freaked out, my analytical mind was telling me I was crazy for crossing the border to see a doctor, but my heart reminded me that Western medicine promised miracles and raped my bank account so what can it hurt at this point.  It was going to cost $40 for a consult but he ended up giving it to me for free.

So at 8am, armed with my medical records and passport, I crossed the border.  Funny how easy it is to cross into Mexico but hard to cross back.  My friend was awesome, guiding me the whole way. She knew I was freaked out. We get in a cab and as I remember from my last trip to Mexico in college, they drive like crazy people so I clung to my seat. We get to the office and everyone greets us with such a warm welcome, of course I understand nothing!  My friend translates it all for me.  When I walked into his room I was blown away, little vials lined every wall. He talks to me about my infertility and I bust out crying, all out sobs!! I don't know these people and I break down, I was fine, why did I all of a sudden break down? 8 years of false hopes, 8 years of failures, 8 years of oh yeah, we can help you, after your check clears, that's why I broke down.  I feel so let down by my country and our health care system.  If I knew then what I know now about complimentary medicine, taking the best of western and eastern medicine and creating a treatment plan for the patient, not just putting them in a protocol.  But I digress...

So he does a few tests which is where the little viles come in.  Okay I will probably do a terrible job of explaining this but will give it a try.  Each vile has a tiny bit of the problem in it, like a bacteria or a virus or whatever.  He puts a magnet between you and the vile.  If the magnet moves, you have that ailment.  As I type this I think I am crazy.  But on some level it makes sense because everything has a magnetic force including us so I have enough education to get it but not enough to explain it.  Okay so I will just forget trying to explain it.  So after the vile tests he takes a deep breath and says blah, blah, blah, (something in Spanish) my friend translates exactly what he says.  I know why you cant get pregnant, you have a cancer at your cervix.  You have had it for 8 to 10 years.  It probably wont show up in a pap yet but it will in 1 to 2 years.  About 8 years ago, I had what I called almost-cancer.  I had a number of abnormal cells on my cervix that were the stage just before cancer.  They were immediately removed.  Apparently, they were not completely removed and this is why my perfect embryo's will not stick.  He didn't know the history so I tend to want to believe him. 
Dazed and confused by this news, I stumble out of his office with bright red eyes from constant crying and we make our way to the long line to get back into the states.  In line I see a man selling Rosaries.  I had to have one, I handed him a dollar and put it around my neck and felt a little calmer.  Its funny cause I texted my Mr Wonderful about it and he said, "Do you even know how to use one?"  Nope and I didn't care, it was a symbol of faith in a higher power and at that time I needed to cling to something good.  So now I decide what to do with this news.  But what a crazy trip, right?!