The holidays are canceled at our house

I made it!  I sort of successfully made it through the holidays at least the family oriented holidays.  I very successfully avoided the part of my family that I knew I couldn't see or even talk to, my dad, his wife and their family.  It could have been very disastrous because of my "Issues". 

But for you to understand why, I have to back up about 20 years.  When I was 17 my parents got divorced.  My dad started dating another woman and not only fell for her, but her very perfect daughter that just so happens to be about my age.  She is everything that I am not.  She was an excellent athlete, even invited to the Olympics.  She got a full ride scholarship to a very prestigious college.  She has always made the right decisions and life has blessed her.  My dad made very few of my high school competitions, but made every single one of hers.  That is where my issues come from.  She was everything my dad wanted in a child and once again, I am have failed him.  I cant give him the grandchild he has been wanting for so long, but just recently, she did. 

So they all got to enjoy their first holiday with the new baby, that's just great for them.  I wanted no part of it.  It brought that ancient history flooding back.  I thought I had dealt with it and moved on, but scars reopen easily.

I thought I was in a baby hating phase, but tonight at the grocery store, the cutest toddler couldn't take his eyes off me.  Adorable chubby cheeks and big brown eyes just staring at me with a big smile.  For the first time in at least a year, a child made me smile. 

As far as my issues with my dad, that is an ongoing saga.  I tried to talk to him about it a long time ago, and it ended in me being the bad guy so talking to him is not an option.  If I had a child, I wouldn't miss a single match, meet, tournament or game.  I would be on the side lines every single day cheering louder than anyone because support and encouragement is so important to give children.  Everyone says I would make a great mom, so why do the higher powers keep saying No.  I don't get it.