Getting through the Holidays

How do we, Infertile's, get through the holidays?  I figured this is one I should write about since it has been on my mind since Oct 31.  I am talking about all infertile's, even the pregnant and have children infertiles.  I know its gotta be hard for them too.

Well for me, this year is especially hard.  I am out of money for treatment and my family is celebrating their first holiday with a new baby... double wammie!  I want nothing to do with the new baby.  That is a horrible thing to say but, it is how I feel and saying it is the first step to getting past it right?  I want to be happy for them but its hard when I have struggled so much.  I am such a Grinch this year.  I go through the stores with their holiday music, thinking, "Ba humbug!"  But occasionally the songs get stuck in my head and it lightens my mood just a little.   

So back to my original question, how do I get through the holidays.  Well, I am clinging to everything I love and hiding!  I didn't do so well on Thanksgiving, I didn't even answer the phone when that side of the family called.  I usually really get into Thanksgiving.  I make more food than can possibly be eaten in a month let alone one day, the house is freshly cleaned, the music is on and I put on some nice clothes even if we don't go anywhere.  Yeah, I did bare minimum on the cooking, wore my grungy around the house clothes and did light cleaning.  But now that I am in the home stretch, I am feeling better.  We probably wont don't much of anything for Christmas.  Everyone knows we don't spend much at Christmas because we have to save for the next round so I make truffles for presents.  This year it is cake pops. 

I still don't feel like I am answering the question... I don't know how to get through the holidays.  I have moments of happiness and gratitude for what I do have and I have moments of "It's my pitty party and I will cry if I want to".  I guess it is the same as getting through the grief of wasting so much time and money on this process, one day at a time and sometimes, one minute at a time.  It helps to get in the bath and put my head under the water just enough so my ears are covered but my nose is out and I can still breath. All I hear is my breath and my heartbeat.  Its calming.  I hope to one day, hear 2 heartbeats.

The Truth About Trying Campaign

It is great to see Celebs talk about the struggles we regular infertiles deal with.  There is even an infertility doctor who dealt with infertility.  There are a lot of good stories to watch.  I hope they help you.  We are not alone and we dont need to be ashamed. 
The Truth About Trying

Peace

I have been able to overcome my fear of the unknown and started researching anything and everything related to infertility.  When I started this journey, I tried to dive right into research like I do everything else but when I did, it threw me into serious depression.  So I stopped and trusted the doctors.  8 years and $40K later, I am taking control of my reproductive health and doing the research.

It feels like I have been searching madly for something but I didn't know what.  I read blog after blog and while I walk away from the computer feeling like I just had an hour of therapy.  Today I found something that I think brought me a little closer to peace.  Everything I read makes me want to cry but when you've cried this much, you learn how to cap it.  When watching the video below, I couldn't cap it.  Everything I have thought is right here.

  

So what am I searching for?  Hello, a miracle.  Actually, just peace.  I feel it deep in my heart that I am supposed to be a mom.  I have too much to give to keep it to myself.  Every time I try to convince myself that I should stop wasting time and money and just live child free I lose.  I really cant see it.  But at this point, all I really want is peace.  If I have a baby or not, I just want peace.

Another ugly disease, Breast Cancer

One of the things I have put on hold because of stupid Infertility is doing a weekend cancer walk with my BBF. She just asked me to walk with her in July in San Fran in the Avon Breast Cancer Walk. I am so excited. San Fran is gorgous and not too hot. I started exploring the website and even found a training plan, I can't believe I am going to walk 40 miles... Anyway, I was looking at the pictures and started getting sad because Infertility doesen't get even drop of the attention Breast Cancer gets. But then I remembered an article. It said that breast cancer used to be a disease to be ashamed of, sound familiar! Its because of dedicated women working for decades to get people to take action and recognize that breast cancer is a serious disease killing men and women and the cause needs support in order to overcome it.

This is gonna sound really silly but here it is... I know there will be at least once during this event I will feel very alone and almost like I am in hiding because while I am supporting a very important cause I will again, be alone. I will be jealous, knowing that Breast Cancer gets billions of dollars a year when "my disease" (and others) gets little attention and even less money for research and treatment. Jealousy is an ugly thing so I gotta focus on the good things, the money I am raising, the time I will be spending with a dear friend and doing a good thing for humanity and my health.  Besides, being jealous of Breast Cancer!  What is wrong with me! 

Oh yeah, and yes I said  Infertility is a disease, apparently it is.

I found out that for many women who need to go through kemo or radiation treatment they do not have insurance coverage to preserve their fertility prior to these treatments, REALLY! The insurance laws really need to change. Its not bad enough to have been diagnosed with Cancer, have to go through painful treatments, you also have to shell out $20K or more if you ever want a chance at being a mom! And that is after you have kicked Cancers ass. Its sad. Things need to change, hence the soap box I am about to get on :)

If you happen to stumble on this post please consider signing a petition for the Family Act of 2011, S965. It will not just people like me with blocked tubes but also people who have to fight for their life before they can fight for their ability to be a mom. You can find the info here:
http://resolve.org/resources/the-center-for-infertility-justice.html  And if you do sign the petition, Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Okay gotta end this on a funny note, my Great Aunt had Breast Cancer. How did I learn this? Over coffee one morning, she pulled her fake boob out of her bra and flopped it on the kitchen table and said, "I had breast cancer, make sure you get your boobs checked". She always had a sense of humor, love you Aunt Mary!

On the Road Again

I'm running again. When I'm out on the road, I have my hat down low, iPod volume high and I disappear into the music pounding in my ears, the feel of the road under my feet and the rhythm of my breath. I love to run. I am athletically challenged. I can't catch or hit a softball to save my life, but running... You just go! This is one of those things that has always been put on hold for IVF, now that I am allowing myself to live again, it's great. I have always wanted to run a marathon but I will start small. I think that's why I never ran a marathon, it was too large of a goal. I couldn't see how I was going to get there so I never did. May be it's the same with becoming a mom. I can't see how I am going to get there so I see it as too large of a goal to reach.  May be if I just put my hat down low, the music on high and just enjoy life I can reach these seemingly unattainable goals.

Fed up

I finally decided to do something with my leftover supplies and drugs. Its been hard to look at the failed drug shelf let alone touch it. as I started cleaning up the shelf I got really mad. I have had a total of 3 excellent embryos transferred, none of which stuck. And the doctors want me to give them another $15k to do this process AGAIN without telling me why my excellent embryos won't stick! Really! I have seen 3 really good doctors and I am just fed up. Apparently there is so much they still don't know about the reproductive system.

Womens place in the world

I am watching a documentary about women in the media and how we are portrayed. Something was just said that, well for lack of better words, was an "A ha moment". I had to start writing about it.  In the media (news, movies, commercials, etc) we are constantly being told that our main purpose is for child bearing.  Look beautiful and sexy, attract a man, get married, have babies and raise them.  That's our purpose.  Hello! that right there! That is why this infertility beast tears us up inside. We grow up knowing that is what we are supposed to do.   What do you do, when you can't do what you grew up thinking, this is what you do. That's a lot of doodoo! 

"Miss Representation" was the name of the documentary.  One of the big take aways for me was that women are in powerful roles in movies but they are portrayed as bitchy and they had to give up family and a life to be in a power position.  Even the women superhero's have to be in push up bra's and 4 inch heels.  Who in the real world fights in heels?  And the superhero's story revolves around a man.  I think it is good to have things to aspire for.  I would love to be able to kick someones butt in heels and a corset and not break a sweat.  But the point is that there are not enough movies about women in the real world.    http://missrepresentation.org/

Good food for thought.  If I am ever blessed with a baby girl she will grow up thinking she's gorgeous, extremely intelligent, and very strong, no matter what the world tells her.