Running Update

So this is a quick update.  Running has changed me.  I am running a half marathon in September, Ragnar Relay in November and who knows what else in between.  I have lost 10 plus pounds since the start of this blog.  Its amazing what infertility drugs do to your body.  I think part of my problem last cycle was the drugs.  I was a mess.  Running is clearing my head, slowly.  I still struggle  A LOT with my infertility but running helps.  I am thinking of ending this blog and putting all my efforts into a running/infertility/life in general blog.  This one is so depressing and every time I sit down to write I just want to whine and oh poor me and have a big pitty party.  The other blog would be more about running with the occational infertility talk because it is not what defines me, I cant let it be.  I so badly want someone to say "oh you poor thing, you've tried for so long and spent so much money, here is $30k, go get another round of treatments".  But I dont think that is going to happen.  Im sick of feeling sorry for myself, sick of doctors letting me down, sick of no one giving a shit, just sick of it all.  See, pitty party again.  Everyone elses infertility blogs are happy and hopeful.  Its hard to be hopeful when you have few options and you've been doing this for so damn long!

But speaking of options, I am getting acupuncture every week and get this, after one treatment my period went back to normal.  I am also taking Dang Gui which is an herb that is supposed to help the female parts.  It is hard to believe that natural treatments can help blocked tubes BUT it has helped people in the past, who knows.  I cant give up hope.

Signs

I was at the grocery store today and this cute toddler who obvious just graduated from walking to running comes tearing around the corner. Curly blond hair, bright blue eyes, flushed cheeks and a pasafire (sp?) in his mouth. I swear that kid gave me a wink. Is this the big mans way of telling me he's not done toying with my emotions? UGG. I smiled at him, turned the corner and my eyes welled up. "don't have a meltdown in the middle of a store, it's all gonna be okay" Good Mantra


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Ragnar

Since running is so much a part of my life right now I have to write about something I am soooooo excited about, Ragnar.

I am running a Ragnar relay race.  12 people run about 200 miles.  It takes all weekend.  I will be running a total of 19 miles.  I run three different times and rest inbetween legs.  All the teams get dressed up like goof balls and its an excuse to act like a retard and conquer an amazing challenge.  I am pretty excited about it.  Every morning I go out for my run knowing that I am working toward something that I can actually attain.  It feels good to know I have control over my ability to accomplish this goal.

That is the terrible thing that infertility steals from you, Control.  Infertility takes the feeling that you have control over your life.  Well, I am taking it back.

I have been struggling with what to talk about these days because I have refocused my life away from infertility.  The road and my running shoes are helping me sort out the feelings.  The last few weeks I feel like I have been turning a corner.  I have been starting to feel good about the reasons for not having children.  Usually when I think about those reasons I cry because then I think about the great reasons for having kids.  But I think a wonderful woman at work has been instrumental in my turning it around.  She has 4 kids, all grown and she is always telling me about the drama she has to deal with.  She loves her kids, they are good kids but she just doesn't want to worry about them anymore.  She doesn't want to hurt when they hurt anymore, but she doesn't have a choice.

1. If I want to lay around all day and have a me day, I can.  I don't have to worry about feeding a child, cleaning it, cleaning up its messes.  When you have a kid, there is no days off unless you have someone to watch them for you.
2. I don't have to worry about the state of the world.  When I'm gone, I'm gone.  I don't have to worry about leaving my kids in a crappy world.
3. I don't have to save for college, cars, etc, etc.  Like I had the money for that stuff anyway, I already spent a college education on IVF procedures, and still paying for it!
4. One less group to feel peer pressure from, "The Perfect Moms".
5. One less schedule to organize.
6. I don't have to worry about choking.  Since my brush with choking on food I am a bit paranoid about this one.  Why would our breathing hole and food hole be right next to each other, its asinine!  Its amazing more people don't die from choking. 

My life is mine and I can do with it, what I want.  I am starting to feel freed from the clutches of "Infertility".  I am by no means "OK" with this but at least I finally see a pinhole light at the end of the tunnel.

Too be an Advocate or not, is it worth it?

I got an email today from Resolve. I want to know everything going on in the world of fighting for our rights so I try to keep up with the proposed laws and what congress thinks about us. Advocacy day is April 25th and Resolve wants us all to go to DC to fight for our right to have baaaaabies! Sorry Beastie Boys moment there. They say we are closer than ever to gaining something to help pay for IVF. I really want to go, even though my journey might be over, I would love an opportunity to talk to Congress and tell them that while I am trying to save money to pay for a CHANCE at being a mom, I am also paying through the nose on taxes because I don't have kids. It's completely unfair that the people who shouldn't be having kids keep having them and I am paying for them. I don't know, should I spend the money to go? Bills have been introduced for the past 10 years and never even make it out of committee. The world doesn't care about us and if I'm not going to have any children to worry about, what do I care what the world turns into after I'm gone?

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Adults Only Island

Tonight I went running like I usually do. I had the headphones on, the 90 old school tunes pumping and I felt good. I get to the end of the block and I see two little girls out front playing, the cute little blond caught my eye and gave me a little private wave, I gave her one back then she gave me the universal sign for "give me a hug". I froze, I have been spending the past few months trying to avoid all contact with babies and small children. I wish I could move to an island where they don't exist, then may be my heart can heal.

Children are so unreserved, act on their feelings and so innocent. She can running at me with those wide open arms, into the middle of the street. I quickly checked to make sure there were no cars coming then ran up to meet her. She ran into me with those wide open arms and gave me a hug. Her brunette friend had followed her and right behind her ran into me with open arms. Then she looked up at me and asked my name. They told me their names and they ran back to the house. It was touching, but also broke my heart.

Moments like these will happen for the rest of my life. I can completely see why some people get hardened and bitter. That scab keeps getting ripped off until you have a hard calloused scar. Siri, please find me an adults only island and book me a one way ticket.



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Time to focus on my career

I wrote this back in Febrary and never came back to finish it.  Reading it now, it highlights an important part in my journey and I need to share it.

I'm at a professional conference this week and it feels good.  What I mean is I am getting back to being the "go getter" I was before infertility took a shot at my confidence.  My inibility to have children comes up in my thoughts constantly though and it sucks!  I was talking to another young woman at the conference yesterday and she was telling me about her career path and it was an exciting conversation talking about being young women in a predominantly male profession and how we not only survived but have excelled.  Then she brought up her 3 kids.  It threw me off my professional stature for a second.  I cant talk to people about their kids, it breaks my heart... damit!  Let my clarify that, my friends, especially my infertile friends, I have no problems with.  It makes me feel good.  I think its the people who have kids and have no idea that some women cant get pregnant.

There is one TV show that I have a serious addiction to, "How I Met Your Mother" and there is one episode that I think about a lot.  If you know the show, you know which one it is.  Its when Robin thinks she is pregnant but turns out to be infertile.  She decides not to have kids and has a great career where she travels the world.  I wish I could think that is my direction but Im not much of a traveler.  I'd rather be at home with poopy diapers and making baby food.  I think that is why I felt a stab at my heart when she brought up her 3 kids at the conference.  I think that is why I dont read the blogs of women who have decided to live childless.  I am not ready to think about that option. 

Pregnancy Test = Crack to a recovering infertile

Since I dont know what I want to do next, I have been focusing on my career and my dogs.  I feel there is nothing I can do right now so I am "Relaxed" on the baby subject.  You know how, "Just relax and it will happen" is one of those key phrases you dont say to an infertile?  Well keep that in mind for a minute.

Wednesday morning I felt nautious for about 30 minutes or so.  I thought nothing of it.  Thursday morning I felt nautious for a little bit.... hmmm.  But I know its nothing, not going down that freaking road.  Well its Saturday and my period has kinda started but not like normal and I am usually like clockwork.  Im just spotting.  So the mind games are on!  I have been off birth control since 2003 and not pregnant so why do I want to buy a pregnancy test like a recovering crack adict wants crack.

I'm crazy right?  I bet ya I wake up to full flow joe tomorrow :)

When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum

I heard the quote above today and it seems so fitting. I was talking to a woman at work who never had kids. Turns out when she was told she would have to do IVF and even then might not be able to carry to term, she decided right then she was done. No shots, no let's go for it, just nope, not putting myself or my husband through that. She avoided all the crap I have gone through. Sometimes she feels the pull but shrugs it away. She knew it was going to be an ugly road and decided not to do it. Sometimes I wish I never started down the dark road.

Still don't know my next move but I have to consider that it might be time to vacuum.

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