Too be an Advocate or not, is it worth it?

I got an email today from Resolve. I want to know everything going on in the world of fighting for our rights so I try to keep up with the proposed laws and what congress thinks about us. Advocacy day is April 25th and Resolve wants us all to go to DC to fight for our right to have baaaaabies! Sorry Beastie Boys moment there. They say we are closer than ever to gaining something to help pay for IVF. I really want to go, even though my journey might be over, I would love an opportunity to talk to Congress and tell them that while I am trying to save money to pay for a CHANCE at being a mom, I am also paying through the nose on taxes because I don't have kids. It's completely unfair that the people who shouldn't be having kids keep having them and I am paying for them. I don't know, should I spend the money to go? Bills have been introduced for the past 10 years and never even make it out of committee. The world doesn't care about us and if I'm not going to have any children to worry about, what do I care what the world turns into after I'm gone?

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Adults Only Island

Tonight I went running like I usually do. I had the headphones on, the 90 old school tunes pumping and I felt good. I get to the end of the block and I see two little girls out front playing, the cute little blond caught my eye and gave me a little private wave, I gave her one back then she gave me the universal sign for "give me a hug". I froze, I have been spending the past few months trying to avoid all contact with babies and small children. I wish I could move to an island where they don't exist, then may be my heart can heal.

Children are so unreserved, act on their feelings and so innocent. She can running at me with those wide open arms, into the middle of the street. I quickly checked to make sure there were no cars coming then ran up to meet her. She ran into me with those wide open arms and gave me a hug. Her brunette friend had followed her and right behind her ran into me with open arms. Then she looked up at me and asked my name. They told me their names and they ran back to the house. It was touching, but also broke my heart.

Moments like these will happen for the rest of my life. I can completely see why some people get hardened and bitter. That scab keeps getting ripped off until you have a hard calloused scar. Siri, please find me an adults only island and book me a one way ticket.



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Time to focus on my career

I wrote this back in Febrary and never came back to finish it.  Reading it now, it highlights an important part in my journey and I need to share it.

I'm at a professional conference this week and it feels good.  What I mean is I am getting back to being the "go getter" I was before infertility took a shot at my confidence.  My inibility to have children comes up in my thoughts constantly though and it sucks!  I was talking to another young woman at the conference yesterday and she was telling me about her career path and it was an exciting conversation talking about being young women in a predominantly male profession and how we not only survived but have excelled.  Then she brought up her 3 kids.  It threw me off my professional stature for a second.  I cant talk to people about their kids, it breaks my heart... damit!  Let my clarify that, my friends, especially my infertile friends, I have no problems with.  It makes me feel good.  I think its the people who have kids and have no idea that some women cant get pregnant.

There is one TV show that I have a serious addiction to, "How I Met Your Mother" and there is one episode that I think about a lot.  If you know the show, you know which one it is.  Its when Robin thinks she is pregnant but turns out to be infertile.  She decides not to have kids and has a great career where she travels the world.  I wish I could think that is my direction but Im not much of a traveler.  I'd rather be at home with poopy diapers and making baby food.  I think that is why I felt a stab at my heart when she brought up her 3 kids at the conference.  I think that is why I dont read the blogs of women who have decided to live childless.  I am not ready to think about that option. 

Pregnancy Test = Crack to a recovering infertile

Since I dont know what I want to do next, I have been focusing on my career and my dogs.  I feel there is nothing I can do right now so I am "Relaxed" on the baby subject.  You know how, "Just relax and it will happen" is one of those key phrases you dont say to an infertile?  Well keep that in mind for a minute.

Wednesday morning I felt nautious for about 30 minutes or so.  I thought nothing of it.  Thursday morning I felt nautious for a little bit.... hmmm.  But I know its nothing, not going down that freaking road.  Well its Saturday and my period has kinda started but not like normal and I am usually like clockwork.  Im just spotting.  So the mind games are on!  I have been off birth control since 2003 and not pregnant so why do I want to buy a pregnancy test like a recovering crack adict wants crack.

I'm crazy right?  I bet ya I wake up to full flow joe tomorrow :)

When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum

I heard the quote above today and it seems so fitting. I was talking to a woman at work who never had kids. Turns out when she was told she would have to do IVF and even then might not be able to carry to term, she decided right then she was done. No shots, no let's go for it, just nope, not putting myself or my husband through that. She avoided all the crap I have gone through. Sometimes she feels the pull but shrugs it away. She knew it was going to be an ugly road and decided not to do it. Sometimes I wish I never started down the dark road.

Still don't know my next move but I have to consider that it might be time to vacuum.

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The holidays are canceled at our house

I made it!  I sort of successfully made it through the holidays at least the family oriented holidays.  I very successfully avoided the part of my family that I knew I couldn't see or even talk to, my dad, his wife and their family.  It could have been very disastrous because of my "Issues". 

But for you to understand why, I have to back up about 20 years.  When I was 17 my parents got divorced.  My dad started dating another woman and not only fell for her, but her very perfect daughter that just so happens to be about my age.  She is everything that I am not.  She was an excellent athlete, even invited to the Olympics.  She got a full ride scholarship to a very prestigious college.  She has always made the right decisions and life has blessed her.  My dad made very few of my high school competitions, but made every single one of hers.  That is where my issues come from.  She was everything my dad wanted in a child and once again, I am have failed him.  I cant give him the grandchild he has been wanting for so long, but just recently, she did. 

So they all got to enjoy their first holiday with the new baby, that's just great for them.  I wanted no part of it.  It brought that ancient history flooding back.  I thought I had dealt with it and moved on, but scars reopen easily.

I thought I was in a baby hating phase, but tonight at the grocery store, the cutest toddler couldn't take his eyes off me.  Adorable chubby cheeks and big brown eyes just staring at me with a big smile.  For the first time in at least a year, a child made me smile. 

As far as my issues with my dad, that is an ongoing saga.  I tried to talk to him about it a long time ago, and it ended in me being the bad guy so talking to him is not an option.  If I had a child, I wouldn't miss a single match, meet, tournament or game.  I would be on the side lines every single day cheering louder than anyone because support and encouragement is so important to give children.  Everyone says I would make a great mom, so why do the higher powers keep saying No.  I don't get it.

Does Mexico have my cure?

I started writing this about a month ago but have not had a chance to finish it and publish.  Finally got around to it.  If nothing else, it is a crazy story.

This is crazy, Today I went to Mexico. I've talked to a friend of mine for a whole two years about her homeopathic doctor. I finally decided that it was time to go see this guy. At first I was freaked out, my analytical mind was telling me I was crazy for crossing the border to see a doctor, but my heart reminded me that Western medicine promised miracles and raped my bank account so what can it hurt at this point.  It was going to cost $40 for a consult but he ended up giving it to me for free.

So at 8am, armed with my medical records and passport, I crossed the border.  Funny how easy it is to cross into Mexico but hard to cross back.  My friend was awesome, guiding me the whole way. She knew I was freaked out. We get in a cab and as I remember from my last trip to Mexico in college, they drive like crazy people so I clung to my seat. We get to the office and everyone greets us with such a warm welcome, of course I understand nothing!  My friend translates it all for me.  When I walked into his room I was blown away, little vials lined every wall. He talks to me about my infertility and I bust out crying, all out sobs!! I don't know these people and I break down, I was fine, why did I all of a sudden break down? 8 years of false hopes, 8 years of failures, 8 years of oh yeah, we can help you, after your check clears, that's why I broke down.  I feel so let down by my country and our health care system.  If I knew then what I know now about complimentary medicine, taking the best of western and eastern medicine and creating a treatment plan for the patient, not just putting them in a protocol.  But I digress...

So he does a few tests which is where the little viles come in.  Okay I will probably do a terrible job of explaining this but will give it a try.  Each vile has a tiny bit of the problem in it, like a bacteria or a virus or whatever.  He puts a magnet between you and the vile.  If the magnet moves, you have that ailment.  As I type this I think I am crazy.  But on some level it makes sense because everything has a magnetic force including us so I have enough education to get it but not enough to explain it.  Okay so I will just forget trying to explain it.  So after the vile tests he takes a deep breath and says blah, blah, blah, (something in Spanish) my friend translates exactly what he says.  I know why you cant get pregnant, you have a cancer at your cervix.  You have had it for 8 to 10 years.  It probably wont show up in a pap yet but it will in 1 to 2 years.  About 8 years ago, I had what I called almost-cancer.  I had a number of abnormal cells on my cervix that were the stage just before cancer.  They were immediately removed.  Apparently, they were not completely removed and this is why my perfect embryo's will not stick.  He didn't know the history so I tend to want to believe him. 
Dazed and confused by this news, I stumble out of his office with bright red eyes from constant crying and we make our way to the long line to get back into the states.  In line I see a man selling Rosaries.  I had to have one, I handed him a dollar and put it around my neck and felt a little calmer.  Its funny cause I texted my Mr Wonderful about it and he said, "Do you even know how to use one?"  Nope and I didn't care, it was a symbol of faith in a higher power and at that time I needed to cling to something good.  So now I decide what to do with this news.  But what a crazy trip, right?!