The holidays are canceled at our house

I made it!  I sort of successfully made it through the holidays at least the family oriented holidays.  I very successfully avoided the part of my family that I knew I couldn't see or even talk to, my dad, his wife and their family.  It could have been very disastrous because of my "Issues". 

But for you to understand why, I have to back up about 20 years.  When I was 17 my parents got divorced.  My dad started dating another woman and not only fell for her, but her very perfect daughter that just so happens to be about my age.  She is everything that I am not.  She was an excellent athlete, even invited to the Olympics.  She got a full ride scholarship to a very prestigious college.  She has always made the right decisions and life has blessed her.  My dad made very few of my high school competitions, but made every single one of hers.  That is where my issues come from.  She was everything my dad wanted in a child and once again, I am have failed him.  I cant give him the grandchild he has been wanting for so long, but just recently, she did. 

So they all got to enjoy their first holiday with the new baby, that's just great for them.  I wanted no part of it.  It brought that ancient history flooding back.  I thought I had dealt with it and moved on, but scars reopen easily.

I thought I was in a baby hating phase, but tonight at the grocery store, the cutest toddler couldn't take his eyes off me.  Adorable chubby cheeks and big brown eyes just staring at me with a big smile.  For the first time in at least a year, a child made me smile. 

As far as my issues with my dad, that is an ongoing saga.  I tried to talk to him about it a long time ago, and it ended in me being the bad guy so talking to him is not an option.  If I had a child, I wouldn't miss a single match, meet, tournament or game.  I would be on the side lines every single day cheering louder than anyone because support and encouragement is so important to give children.  Everyone says I would make a great mom, so why do the higher powers keep saying No.  I don't get it.

Getting through the Holidays

How do we, Infertile's, get through the holidays?  I figured this is one I should write about since it has been on my mind since Oct 31.  I am talking about all infertile's, even the pregnant and have children infertiles.  I know its gotta be hard for them too.

Well for me, this year is especially hard.  I am out of money for treatment and my family is celebrating their first holiday with a new baby... double wammie!  I want nothing to do with the new baby.  That is a horrible thing to say but, it is how I feel and saying it is the first step to getting past it right?  I want to be happy for them but its hard when I have struggled so much.  I am such a Grinch this year.  I go through the stores with their holiday music, thinking, "Ba humbug!"  But occasionally the songs get stuck in my head and it lightens my mood just a little.   

So back to my original question, how do I get through the holidays.  Well, I am clinging to everything I love and hiding!  I didn't do so well on Thanksgiving, I didn't even answer the phone when that side of the family called.  I usually really get into Thanksgiving.  I make more food than can possibly be eaten in a month let alone one day, the house is freshly cleaned, the music is on and I put on some nice clothes even if we don't go anywhere.  Yeah, I did bare minimum on the cooking, wore my grungy around the house clothes and did light cleaning.  But now that I am in the home stretch, I am feeling better.  We probably wont don't much of anything for Christmas.  Everyone knows we don't spend much at Christmas because we have to save for the next round so I make truffles for presents.  This year it is cake pops. 

I still don't feel like I am answering the question... I don't know how to get through the holidays.  I have moments of happiness and gratitude for what I do have and I have moments of "It's my pitty party and I will cry if I want to".  I guess it is the same as getting through the grief of wasting so much time and money on this process, one day at a time and sometimes, one minute at a time.  It helps to get in the bath and put my head under the water just enough so my ears are covered but my nose is out and I can still breath. All I hear is my breath and my heartbeat.  Its calming.  I hope to one day, hear 2 heartbeats.