Peace

I have been able to overcome my fear of the unknown and started researching anything and everything related to infertility.  When I started this journey, I tried to dive right into research like I do everything else but when I did, it threw me into serious depression.  So I stopped and trusted the doctors.  8 years and $40K later, I am taking control of my reproductive health and doing the research.

It feels like I have been searching madly for something but I didn't know what.  I read blog after blog and while I walk away from the computer feeling like I just had an hour of therapy.  Today I found something that I think brought me a little closer to peace.  Everything I read makes me want to cry but when you've cried this much, you learn how to cap it.  When watching the video below, I couldn't cap it.  Everything I have thought is right here.

  

So what am I searching for?  Hello, a miracle.  Actually, just peace.  I feel it deep in my heart that I am supposed to be a mom.  I have too much to give to keep it to myself.  Every time I try to convince myself that I should stop wasting time and money and just live child free I lose.  I really cant see it.  But at this point, all I really want is peace.  If I have a baby or not, I just want peace.

On the Road Again

I'm running again. When I'm out on the road, I have my hat down low, iPod volume high and I disappear into the music pounding in my ears, the feel of the road under my feet and the rhythm of my breath. I love to run. I am athletically challenged. I can't catch or hit a softball to save my life, but running... You just go! This is one of those things that has always been put on hold for IVF, now that I am allowing myself to live again, it's great. I have always wanted to run a marathon but I will start small. I think that's why I never ran a marathon, it was too large of a goal. I couldn't see how I was going to get there so I never did. May be it's the same with becoming a mom. I can't see how I am going to get there so I see it as too large of a goal to reach.  May be if I just put my hat down low, the music on high and just enjoy life I can reach these seemingly unattainable goals.