Running Update

So this is a quick update.  Running has changed me.  I am running a half marathon in September, Ragnar Relay in November and who knows what else in between.  I have lost 10 plus pounds since the start of this blog.  Its amazing what infertility drugs do to your body.  I think part of my problem last cycle was the drugs.  I was a mess.  Running is clearing my head, slowly.  I still struggle  A LOT with my infertility but running helps.  I am thinking of ending this blog and putting all my efforts into a running/infertility/life in general blog.  This one is so depressing and every time I sit down to write I just want to whine and oh poor me and have a big pitty party.  The other blog would be more about running with the occational infertility talk because it is not what defines me, I cant let it be.  I so badly want someone to say "oh you poor thing, you've tried for so long and spent so much money, here is $30k, go get another round of treatments".  But I dont think that is going to happen.  Im sick of feeling sorry for myself, sick of doctors letting me down, sick of no one giving a shit, just sick of it all.  See, pitty party again.  Everyone elses infertility blogs are happy and hopeful.  Its hard to be hopeful when you have few options and you've been doing this for so damn long!

But speaking of options, I am getting acupuncture every week and get this, after one treatment my period went back to normal.  I am also taking Dang Gui which is an herb that is supposed to help the female parts.  It is hard to believe that natural treatments can help blocked tubes BUT it has helped people in the past, who knows.  I cant give up hope.

Ragnar

Since running is so much a part of my life right now I have to write about something I am soooooo excited about, Ragnar.

I am running a Ragnar relay race.  12 people run about 200 miles.  It takes all weekend.  I will be running a total of 19 miles.  I run three different times and rest inbetween legs.  All the teams get dressed up like goof balls and its an excuse to act like a retard and conquer an amazing challenge.  I am pretty excited about it.  Every morning I go out for my run knowing that I am working toward something that I can actually attain.  It feels good to know I have control over my ability to accomplish this goal.

That is the terrible thing that infertility steals from you, Control.  Infertility takes the feeling that you have control over your life.  Well, I am taking it back.

I have been struggling with what to talk about these days because I have refocused my life away from infertility.  The road and my running shoes are helping me sort out the feelings.  The last few weeks I feel like I have been turning a corner.  I have been starting to feel good about the reasons for not having children.  Usually when I think about those reasons I cry because then I think about the great reasons for having kids.  But I think a wonderful woman at work has been instrumental in my turning it around.  She has 4 kids, all grown and she is always telling me about the drama she has to deal with.  She loves her kids, they are good kids but she just doesn't want to worry about them anymore.  She doesn't want to hurt when they hurt anymore, but she doesn't have a choice.

1. If I want to lay around all day and have a me day, I can.  I don't have to worry about feeding a child, cleaning it, cleaning up its messes.  When you have a kid, there is no days off unless you have someone to watch them for you.
2. I don't have to worry about the state of the world.  When I'm gone, I'm gone.  I don't have to worry about leaving my kids in a crappy world.
3. I don't have to save for college, cars, etc, etc.  Like I had the money for that stuff anyway, I already spent a college education on IVF procedures, and still paying for it!
4. One less group to feel peer pressure from, "The Perfect Moms".
5. One less schedule to organize.
6. I don't have to worry about choking.  Since my brush with choking on food I am a bit paranoid about this one.  Why would our breathing hole and food hole be right next to each other, its asinine!  Its amazing more people don't die from choking. 

My life is mine and I can do with it, what I want.  I am starting to feel freed from the clutches of "Infertility".  I am by no means "OK" with this but at least I finally see a pinhole light at the end of the tunnel.

On the Road Again

I'm running again. When I'm out on the road, I have my hat down low, iPod volume high and I disappear into the music pounding in my ears, the feel of the road under my feet and the rhythm of my breath. I love to run. I am athletically challenged. I can't catch or hit a softball to save my life, but running... You just go! This is one of those things that has always been put on hold for IVF, now that I am allowing myself to live again, it's great. I have always wanted to run a marathon but I will start small. I think that's why I never ran a marathon, it was too large of a goal. I couldn't see how I was going to get there so I never did. May be it's the same with becoming a mom. I can't see how I am going to get there so I see it as too large of a goal to reach.  May be if I just put my hat down low, the music on high and just enjoy life I can reach these seemingly unattainable goals.