Running Update

So this is a quick update.  Running has changed me.  I am running a half marathon in September, Ragnar Relay in November and who knows what else in between.  I have lost 10 plus pounds since the start of this blog.  Its amazing what infertility drugs do to your body.  I think part of my problem last cycle was the drugs.  I was a mess.  Running is clearing my head, slowly.  I still struggle  A LOT with my infertility but running helps.  I am thinking of ending this blog and putting all my efforts into a running/infertility/life in general blog.  This one is so depressing and every time I sit down to write I just want to whine and oh poor me and have a big pitty party.  The other blog would be more about running with the occational infertility talk because it is not what defines me, I cant let it be.  I so badly want someone to say "oh you poor thing, you've tried for so long and spent so much money, here is $30k, go get another round of treatments".  But I dont think that is going to happen.  Im sick of feeling sorry for myself, sick of doctors letting me down, sick of no one giving a shit, just sick of it all.  See, pitty party again.  Everyone elses infertility blogs are happy and hopeful.  Its hard to be hopeful when you have few options and you've been doing this for so damn long!

But speaking of options, I am getting acupuncture every week and get this, after one treatment my period went back to normal.  I am also taking Dang Gui which is an herb that is supposed to help the female parts.  It is hard to believe that natural treatments can help blocked tubes BUT it has helped people in the past, who knows.  I cant give up hope.

I have been struggling with what to talk about these days because I have refocused my life away from infertility.  The road and my running shoes are helping me sort out the feelings.  The last few weeks I feel like I have been turning a corner.  I have been starting to feel good about the reasons for not having children.  Usually when I think about those reasons I cry because then I think about the great reasons for having kids.  But I think a wonderful woman at work has been instrumental in my turning it around.  She has 4 kids, all grown and she is always telling me about the drama she has to deal with.  She loves her kids, they are good kids but she just doesn't want to worry about them anymore.  She doesn't want to hurt when they hurt anymore, but she doesn't have a choice.

1. If I want to lay around all day and have a me day, I can.  I don't have to worry about feeding a child, cleaning it, cleaning up its messes.  When you have a kid, there is no days off unless you have someone to watch them for you.
2. I don't have to worry about the state of the world.  When I'm gone, I'm gone.  I don't have to worry about leaving my kids in a crappy world.
3. I don't have to save for college, cars, etc, etc.  Like I had the money for that stuff anyway, I already spent a college education on IVF procedures, and still paying for it!
4. One less group to feel peer pressure from, "The Perfect Moms".
5. One less schedule to organize.
6. I don't have to worry about choking.  Since my brush with choking on food I am a bit paranoid about this one.  Why would our breathing hole and food hole be right next to each other, its asinine!  Its amazing more people don't die from choking. 

My life is mine and I can do with it, what I want.  I am starting to feel freed from the clutches of "Infertility".  I am by no means "OK" with this but at least I finally see a pinhole light at the end of the tunnel.

The holidays are canceled at our house

I made it!  I sort of successfully made it through the holidays at least the family oriented holidays.  I very successfully avoided the part of my family that I knew I couldn't see or even talk to, my dad, his wife and their family.  It could have been very disastrous because of my "Issues". 

But for you to understand why, I have to back up about 20 years.  When I was 17 my parents got divorced.  My dad started dating another woman and not only fell for her, but her very perfect daughter that just so happens to be about my age.  She is everything that I am not.  She was an excellent athlete, even invited to the Olympics.  She got a full ride scholarship to a very prestigious college.  She has always made the right decisions and life has blessed her.  My dad made very few of my high school competitions, but made every single one of hers.  That is where my issues come from.  She was everything my dad wanted in a child and once again, I am have failed him.  I cant give him the grandchild he has been wanting for so long, but just recently, she did. 

So they all got to enjoy their first holiday with the new baby, that's just great for them.  I wanted no part of it.  It brought that ancient history flooding back.  I thought I had dealt with it and moved on, but scars reopen easily.

I thought I was in a baby hating phase, but tonight at the grocery store, the cutest toddler couldn't take his eyes off me.  Adorable chubby cheeks and big brown eyes just staring at me with a big smile.  For the first time in at least a year, a child made me smile. 

As far as my issues with my dad, that is an ongoing saga.  I tried to talk to him about it a long time ago, and it ended in me being the bad guy so talking to him is not an option.  If I had a child, I wouldn't miss a single match, meet, tournament or game.  I would be on the side lines every single day cheering louder than anyone because support and encouragement is so important to give children.  Everyone says I would make a great mom, so why do the higher powers keep saying No.  I don't get it.