The beginning, but not really

I should have started this a long time ago.  I am a chicken.  Really, I'm afraid of my own shadow... it follows me.  I'm afraid of the unknown.  I am afraid of being judged.  This is my first step toward figuring it all out from here.  Life did not turn out like it was "supposed to" so now I am rewriting what my life is "going to" be.  I'm starting with the first struggle and the most painful... my infertility.  My 36th birthday is right around the corner and I cant believe that I have been trying to get pregnant for 8 years and 4 failed IVF cycles.  It's time to make some tough decisions. 

My whole life, I took for granted my ability to have kids.  Like we commonly take for granted our ability to see, hear, walk.  These are things we shouldnt have to worry about losing because its part of being human right?  I'd like to say I know what someone with cancer feels like or someone who has lost their eye sight but I think they would have a different opinion.  Having cancer can kill you.  Not being able to see is a basic function you use everyday.  Fertility, you use a few times in your whole life.  As my companies HR woman told me, "Infertility treatments are not medically necessary".  There is so little compassion for infertiles.  I have lost my ability to reproduce.  All those memories of feeling the first wave of nausia, feeling the first kick, looking into eyes that look like mine, hearing the first words, going to baseball games, playing at the park, going to graduation, and so on and so on.  They are gone... poof!  I would like all fertiles to take those wonderful memories and "Poof".  And the kids that go with those memories, "poof".  Now tell me that my condition isnt "medically necessary".  It may not be needed to keep me alive but a part of me has died and I deserve some consideration for that, some compassion. 

I started this blog to work through my feelings.  Feelings are a complicated thing so my feelings may not always be nice.  If I decide to share this with anyone I hope they understand that.  Like I said, I am afraid of being judged, but I am learning to not care what other people think of me.  I have a lot of anger but I also have a lot of hope.  I am excited about the future.  I get to write my book now.