On the Road Again

I'm running again. When I'm out on the road, I have my hat down low, iPod volume high and I disappear into the music pounding in my ears, the feel of the road under my feet and the rhythm of my breath. I love to run. I am athletically challenged. I can't catch or hit a softball to save my life, but running... You just go! This is one of those things that has always been put on hold for IVF, now that I am allowing myself to live again, it's great. I have always wanted to run a marathon but I will start small. I think that's why I never ran a marathon, it was too large of a goal. I couldn't see how I was going to get there so I never did. May be it's the same with becoming a mom. I can't see how I am going to get there so I see it as too large of a goal to reach.  May be if I just put my hat down low, the music on high and just enjoy life I can reach these seemingly unattainable goals.

Fed up

I finally decided to do something with my leftover supplies and drugs. Its been hard to look at the failed drug shelf let alone touch it. as I started cleaning up the shelf I got really mad. I have had a total of 3 excellent embryos transferred, none of which stuck. And the doctors want me to give them another $15k to do this process AGAIN without telling me why my excellent embryos won't stick! Really! I have seen 3 really good doctors and I am just fed up. Apparently there is so much they still don't know about the reproductive system.

Womens place in the world

I am watching a documentary about women in the media and how we are portrayed. Something was just said that, well for lack of better words, was an "A ha moment". I had to start writing about it.  In the media (news, movies, commercials, etc) we are constantly being told that our main purpose is for child bearing.  Look beautiful and sexy, attract a man, get married, have babies and raise them.  That's our purpose.  Hello! that right there! That is why this infertility beast tears us up inside. We grow up knowing that is what we are supposed to do.   What do you do, when you can't do what you grew up thinking, this is what you do. That's a lot of doodoo! 

"Miss Representation" was the name of the documentary.  One of the big take aways for me was that women are in powerful roles in movies but they are portrayed as bitchy and they had to give up family and a life to be in a power position.  Even the women superhero's have to be in push up bra's and 4 inch heels.  Who in the real world fights in heels?  And the superhero's story revolves around a man.  I think it is good to have things to aspire for.  I would love to be able to kick someones butt in heels and a corset and not break a sweat.  But the point is that there are not enough movies about women in the real world.    http://missrepresentation.org/

Good food for thought.  If I am ever blessed with a baby girl she will grow up thinking she's gorgeous, extremely intelligent, and very strong, no matter what the world tells her. 

BFN's are not to be seen or heard

I am the only person who can not succeed at IVF. This is what I thought after BFN #4. Why don't I see anyone else failing? Am I the only loser in this game or are BFNs put in the darkness, not to be seen or heard.

I started digging deeper into what has become my voices of reason, my sanity... Blogs of other infertiles. Hey, guess what? I am not the only failure out there! I need to know what others are doing. It is amazing the strength I have gained from reading other couples stories. Some try for years and years then decide to live childless, others go adoption, some try donor gamets. How they got to those decisions I needed to know. I may be an old hag in IVF, but I am a newbe at the other options. I am tired of feeling helpless and at the mercy of the doctors so I am diving in head first and taking control. This BFN is coming out of the darkness.

The beginning, but not really

I should have started this a long time ago.  I am a chicken.  Really, I'm afraid of my own shadow... it follows me.  I'm afraid of the unknown.  I am afraid of being judged.  This is my first step toward figuring it all out from here.  Life did not turn out like it was "supposed to" so now I am rewriting what my life is "going to" be.  I'm starting with the first struggle and the most painful... my infertility.  My 36th birthday is right around the corner and I cant believe that I have been trying to get pregnant for 8 years and 4 failed IVF cycles.  It's time to make some tough decisions. 

My whole life, I took for granted my ability to have kids.  Like we commonly take for granted our ability to see, hear, walk.  These are things we shouldnt have to worry about losing because its part of being human right?  I'd like to say I know what someone with cancer feels like or someone who has lost their eye sight but I think they would have a different opinion.  Having cancer can kill you.  Not being able to see is a basic function you use everyday.  Fertility, you use a few times in your whole life.  As my companies HR woman told me, "Infertility treatments are not medically necessary".  There is so little compassion for infertiles.  I have lost my ability to reproduce.  All those memories of feeling the first wave of nausia, feeling the first kick, looking into eyes that look like mine, hearing the first words, going to baseball games, playing at the park, going to graduation, and so on and so on.  They are gone... poof!  I would like all fertiles to take those wonderful memories and "Poof".  And the kids that go with those memories, "poof".  Now tell me that my condition isnt "medically necessary".  It may not be needed to keep me alive but a part of me has died and I deserve some consideration for that, some compassion. 

I started this blog to work through my feelings.  Feelings are a complicated thing so my feelings may not always be nice.  If I decide to share this with anyone I hope they understand that.  Like I said, I am afraid of being judged, but I am learning to not care what other people think of me.  I have a lot of anger but I also have a lot of hope.  I am excited about the future.  I get to write my book now.